Week 7: Fial

Wednesday I was only 99.2% certain I was going to die of a heart attack, but I was already starting to get sick (probably some nerd plague I picked up at Comic-Con) so it was an even tougher slog than usual. I missed today because I only got sicker yesterday and today rather than a pounding heart I am left with merely a sore throat and earache. The worst part is that it makes this weekly gym posting utterly boring. So sad.

On the upside, according to my bathroom scale I've lost 16 pounds in the last 7 weeks. But I think it's lying to me to save its own hide, because I'm gonna bust that mofo in half if it ever calls me a fatty lardass again.

Cheshire Cataclysm

My entry for Austin's "Chades Challenge XX" is a photoshop mash-up called the Cheshire Cataclysm.

Patents

Whatever you may think of software patents (such as the infamous U.S. Patent 4,197,590 "Xor patent"), whether you think they're harmful like the LPF does, or awesome like Paul Heckel does, the fact remains that most companies who create software file them. As such, my employer has filed (or started the process thereof) about seven patents with my name on them (two have been awarded, I forget where in the process the others currently languish).

It is a bizarre experience to see something that you invented, and described in engineering terms, regurgitated in legalese. An invention that I'm intimately familiar with in all of its details becomes a confusing morass of gibberish. I must then go into a room with lawyers (and sometimes other engineers) and attempt to verify, explain, and defend my patent application internally.

This is a grueling process because patent applications are almost totally unreadable -- even the lawyers have a hard time navigating them. Even the ones who write them for a living can sometimes get stuck in their own language. Frankly, it's rather ridiculous. It takes an absurd amount of time to reconcile what's on the page with what I know the invention does. Never mind the parts that are boilerplate explanations of what a computer is (apparently a computer has RAM, a network card, and... I got bored after that and just moved on).

Whether or not it's true that "there's gotta be a better way" when it comes to the patent system generally, there certainly must be a better way to describe inventions for the purpose of patenting them. A human readable way. And one which doesn't make the filing process take over five years.

On the plus side, I get a plaque when the patent is actually issued.

Comic-Con 09

Comic-con is done. I didn't stare at the spectacle much, so I have no clue what's k-rad about Avatar or the next Twilight thingy. But I did get lots of cool smaller press and independent books (I'll post about the best ones once I've had time to read them). It was great to see Jordan and Bella, and thanks to Ted & Derek for letting me hang in their booth and escape the madness when necessary. Check out http://www.roseandisabel.com and http://www.derekmonster.com -- both of them do excellent work.

I also got to see my friend Allen, whom I hadn't seen in about 10 years. That was great, and I definitely need to come back down here and see him again sooner rather than later.

And, finally, some sleep.

Week 6: Owner Of A Pounding Heart

Anu is out of town, so I'm on my own with the physical training thing. Very tricksy, that Anu.

On Wednesday I was about 99.9% certain I was going to die of a heart attack by about 3/4 of the way through the routine (which consisted of a circuit of beatings, waterboarding, truncheoning, fingernail pulling, simulated hangings, and having my genitals electrocuted -- or as the CIA euphemistically calls them in their dossiers: oblique twists, squats, lunges, sit-ups, push-ups, and pull-ups).

This morning I was only about 99.5% certain I was going to die of a heart attack. Improvement! At this rate I should consider myself "unlikely to die of a heart attack" in about 50 weeks. I think I shall celebrate with a bacon double cheeseburger at Dick's in San Diego when I go down for Comic-Con this weekend. That ought to round it out to a full 52 week year.

The weird thing is that it's only been about an hour since I left the gym, and yet I am already anticipating going back. This is bad. It means that Jessica, our so-called "trainer" (Grand Inquisitor might be a more appropriate term) is doing something to wear-down my natural instincts for self preservation. I'm beginning to crack. This is the onset of some sort of workout Stockholm Syndrome. Soon this empathy will turn into outright sympathy for my captors, then before too long I'll even be willing to tell them the launch codes (for what, I'm not sure -- but I bet these codes launch something). Next thing you know, I might become one of them. It happened to my friend Max, so I know that there's a real danger the terrorists may win.

Evidence I'm A Huge Nerd: Part 1

Today I received an e-mail titled: "My Staff Will Eliminate Your Debt."
This is basically what I pictured in my head (except I stole an image and modded it rather than making one myself):


Good grief am I a friggin' nerd.

Week 5: Youthful Exuberance

People say that exercise makes you feel young again. They are absolutely correct.

When I was young, I felt my life was miserable. Most of my time was spent thinking about escape, imagining a better life for myself. I dreaded each morning as the start of another day to suffer through.

Now, thanks to the power of working out, I've regained that youthful perspective on life.

Another aspect of the return to my youth facilitated by working out is the discovery that I still can't do sit-ups, push-ups, or pull-ups (the only ups I could ever do were 7-ups, regular or diet).

Today we did a slew of different exercises in fast bursts. It was sort of like being beaten-up, except that when you're being beaten-up at least someone else is doing all the work.

Since we did so many exercises, many of them new to our training, I've decided to make a helpful comparison chart for those unfamiliar with certain exercises:

burpies = Hitler
mountain climbers = Stalin
pull-ups = Chairman Mao
push-ups = Pol Pot
straight leg lifts = Idi Amin
sit-ups = Mussolini

On the upside, I'm so dehydrated I totally can't cry like the little pussy I am.

Google vs. Microsoft, Again

Google recently announced their Chrome OS. In addition to upsetting my various friends who once worked at the company called Desktop.com that was trying to do the same thing (and which may or may not still be kicking around in some post crash form, I'm not sure), it is intended to scare the pants off Microsoft. I'm not terribly worried about Microsoft's pants, but some folks have pointed out some interesting questions about the Google project.

Week 4: A brief history of Push-Ups

For the benefit of those not in the know, I have researched the history of the push-up. It's original crude form was invented by ascetics in the 10th century as a form of self-flagellation. During the 20th century it was refined by the Nazis into a highly efficient means of torture. Adopted after WWII by U.S. Military will-breakers (aka. "instructors" or "Drill Sergeants") as a means of reminding green recruits that they're really not much better off than a Nazi prisoner, it subsequently came back into vogue amongst new-age self-flagellant sects going by such names as Fitness Fanatics and Health Nuts. The push-up is intended to not only cause pain, but guarantee humiliation, as onlookers realize the futile pursuit of the prone Atlas wannabe before them who -- at the whim of his "Personal Trainer," "Coach," "Drill Sergeant" or "Fitness Master" -- attempts to shove the entire planet away from them whilst holding the entire sky on his or her back. Preposterous.

On the upside, I apparently can now jump rope again. I suppose one should be thankful for small miracles. I celebrated by eating a burger and some fries, thereby guaranteeing at least one extra week of torture in terms of my quest to no longer look like the Pillsbury Doughboy. What the hell was I thinking? (A: I wasn't.)

Art Show Pieces

I am happy to say that prints of these two pieces are currently hanging (framed together) as part of a show of personal artwork done by technical artists at work:





They are digital photomanipulations, both working from WWII source imagery.

Happy Independence Day

Remeber to take time out today to celebrate and remember those who gave their lives to free The Earth from the tyrannical clutches of the Space Aliens, who did not permit Humans to send representatives to their Parliament, and whose taxation policies threatened to undermine Humanity's right to delicious, nutritious tea.

Comcast Sucks

We recently replaced AT&T and DirecTV with Comcast, mainly because AT&T would not allow existing customers to take advantage of the AT&T/DirecTV reduced priced bundle to renew their service, and Comcast offered a decently priced package deal. With Anu recently being laid off, reducing our overall Internet/Phone/TV costs seemed like a very good proposition.

Holy crap does Comcast suck!

Since we had Comcast previously in El Cerrito, which is less than five miles from our current place, we figured we'd be happy with them. This is not the case.

I have a class that is conducted via Skype. Today my connection was dropped more than 20 times during the 3 hour class. Not since the days of dial-up have I had so many connection failures in such a short amount of time. Sometimes the connection failure lasted over five minutes. And it was total failure -- I couldn't connect to any Internet service at all. And since Comcast is now also our telephone carrier, I had no phone service either. Not even 911 service.

This has been going on since the day of the Comcast installation. A classmate in the online class said he had a similar problem during his last Skype class, and Comcast was so unresponsive that he could only solve the problem by switching to AT&T. We're far away from any central office, and I know we probably won't get perfect service. We also had some connectivity problems with AT&T, but not even close to as bad as with Comcast -- I did four other Skype classes with the AT&T link with no big problems. This is so frustrating that I'm already considering switching back -- after less than a week with Comcast.

Week 3: The Slowening

It turns out that if you've been strenuously working out for 3 weeks (and you're me), that is the exact right amount of time for you to start getting slower and your aching to persist beyond the actual day of workout. Well now isn't that exciting?

We did pull-ups (which I never could do) using gigantic rubber bands as an assist. And you know what? Using that mechanical assist, pull-ups are... still are preposterously difficult, excruciating, and make me want to cry. As an added bonus, when I get worn out (i.e. after two or three wussy rubber band pull-ups), I lose the tension in my body and the rubber bands shoot my legs out in front of me and I have to cling on for dear life. Come to think of it, maybe that is secretly the exercise, and the pull-ups are an elaborate ruse.

On the plus side, I got new sneakers (New Balance cross trainers), so now my feet only feel like they've just been run over by a bus 50% of the time, rather than 100%. And a gym jacket. Now I look the part of a chubby wanker trying to play himself off as some kind of athlete.

And I finally did 15 damned rope jumps in a row, without tripping and stumbling. For someone as athletically challenged as I am, that's got to be some kind of progress. I just hope I can repeat it.